Understanding Your Child’s Behaviour

This is THE question, the ultimate question that will help you stay patient, curious and compassionate when faced with tricky behaviour. This is the question that every good therapist, teacher and nanny keeps tucked in their back pocket:

“WHAT IS THE FUNCTION OF THIS BEHAVIOUR?”

Every single behaviour has a function. Whether it’s your child having a meltdown before bedtime or your partner leaving socks on the floor (again), there’s always a reason behind what we do. We are causal beings meaning our actions come from something, even when it’s not immediately obvious.

In therapy, this question helps practitioners assess clients in a non-judgemental and understanding way. It’s not about excusing behaviour; it’s about understanding it so we can change it.

The same applies to parenting. You can’t redirect or teach a better behaviour if you don’t know what the current one is trying to achieve. Sometimes, the function is obvious. Other times, it’s hidden beneath layers of emotion, habit, or environment.

Take notice of any behaviours that are happening around you.

While I was writing this, my partner casually put his feet up on the desk while working. So in the spirit of writing this blog I pushed to find the function of that behaviour.

Now if a child did that at the dinner table, many parents would instinctively say, “Feet off the table!”

But instead, I asked, “Why did you just put your feet on the table?”

His initial answer “because it’s my table...I don’t know”

“Yes” I replied “you did nothing wrong by the way, I’m just trying to understand why you put your feet up there. What was the reason behind deciding to move your feet from the floor to the table?

“It’s more comfortable” was his final reply.

Simple, right? His back was sore, and stretching his legs felt good.

If I simply had a go at him saying “Get your feet off the table” I would’ve been ignoring his very simple desire for a comfortable sitting position.

The same applies to children.

So, if a child puts their feet up somewhere you don’t really want them to, and you discover the function of that behaviour is comfort — then instead of just saying “Put your feet down” and that’s it, you can instead guide them toward a better way to meet that same need. Maybe offer a footstool, a cushion, space on the sofa or a little fun ‘shake it off’ movement break. Suddenly, it’s not about discipline, it’s about understanding and problem-solving. You get to hold your boundary of no feet on the furniture and your child feels that you understand why they did it and gave them a resolution.

A Deeper Example

I once worked with a boy who sometimes hit his mother.
On the surface, it’s shocking behaviour, it’s something we’d all instinctively want to stop. But before you can change it, you need to understand why.

This boy moved between divorced parents three times a week. He’d witnessed domestic violence in the past. He felt frustrated when told he couldn’t play video games longer in the evenings.

When we looked closer, the hitting wasn’t just about gaming time, it was about control, communication, and emotional confusion.

 So, I asked myself and him:

·       What does this behaviour do for him?

·       What is he trying to communicate to his mum that he can’t put into words?

·       What need isn’t being met?

Once we understood the function of the hitting, we could work together to replace it with a healthier way to get the same need met, one that actually helped him feel heard and supported rather than punished and misunderstood.

Bringing It Back Home

This reflective stance works with children of any age.

If your toddler is having a full-blown tantrum 10 minutes before bedtime, instead of thinking, “Why are they doing this again?”, try asking:

“What is the function of this behaviour?”

Maybe they’re overtired, hungry, overstimulated, or just craving one last bit of connection before sleep. When you start asking this question, you shift from reacting to responding and from frustration to understanding.

Looking for the function of the behaviour helps you guide your child with empathy as well as intention.

Because ultimately, behaviour is communication. And when we take the time to analyse the function of our children’s behaviours, we give them one of the greatest gifts we can: to be understood.

Thanks for reading! If you have any questions or topics you would like us to discuss in future blogs please do send an email to nannyemmyquestions@gmail.com