When Strangers Step In: Right or Wrong

Today I witnessed an interaction that prompted me to right this blog. A mother was in Tesco’s at the self-checkout, she had a baby in one hand and her older son was doing something that must’ve been irritating to the staff and the mother told him to stop. He continued his behaviour and one of the female staff members told the boy to stop it. At this point the mum turned around to the staff member saying “You don’t have to do that, I was telling him to stop, he has autism”.

Now this is interesting to me, and I would love to hear other people’s opinions in the comments. From a psychosocial perspective these interactions with strangers are incredibly helpful for the boy to understand his own behaviours in the context of others. If he acts in a way that is anti-social, then the society around him will react. It is the same for any species trying to navigate the correct behaviours to fit into the group they are in. The boy learned here that other people could have an opinion of his behaviour-not only his mother- and they may try to interact with him because of it. Seeing the boy seek out his mother when a stranger reprimanded him, was another positive learning experience as the boy instantly ran back to the mother and looked at her to see how he should respond. This tells us that the child identified a stranger, noticed he was being told off by the stranger, he felt uneasy/threatened and retreated immediately to his mother for protection and guidance on how to respond in the ‘big’ world.

In a split-second decision that probably felt very natural, the mother defended her son and felt that the stranger had no place reprimanding him for his behaviour. Despite all of the unknowingly helpful lessons the stranger has just taught the son in this brief interaction the mum felt insulted as she felt she had the discipline covered and protective of her son who she claimed has autism. Now some people may disagree with me here, but I don’t think the child having autism is of great importance to the scenario, in fact I actually think it’s important children with autism have access to situations like this one. As with everything- practise makes perfect and if your child struggles with understanding social interactions or other people’s emotions it’s important they can interact with people to at least learn predictable responses from the people around them- even if they don’t quite understand why!

We all know the saying it takes a village to raise a child, which I fully believe to be true however in London, this could not be further away from the truth. Most don’t have help when it comes to raising children, you have to pay for that help and it’s not cheap. Many don’t even know their neighbours and the general feeling of community in London has withered away by the sheer scale of the place. There’s too many people, too many threats and just a general inclination to mind one’s own business so of course when a random member of staff comes up to tell your child off, you naturally go into protective mode. What I think is important though, is for parents to understand the rich lessons that can be taught to children in moments like these. To shift the mindset from protective mode into educator mode is not always easy but a great question to have in the back of your mind at all times is.. What is my child learning from this? We forget that we can literally teach our kids ANYTHING. And they are constantly learning, just as we are, through our interactions in the world. In this scenario the boy learnt:

- My behaviour can cause other people to interact with me in negative ways.

- I can feel safe with my mum.

-My mum doesn’t like it when strangers tell me off.

-My mum will say I have autism to people when I do something people don’t like.

All of these small interactions shape his idea of himself and the world. Of course, I am highly analysing 1 teeny tiny interaction- that’s what I love doing. But I would love to hear other people’s opinions of this one. Do you think the shop worker overstepped? Would you discipline someone else’s child? What if someone told off your child in public? How did it go when you tried to tell off another person’s child?

As a nanny, I tell other people’s children off all the time if they do something dangerous or if they’re fighting with their sibling or not doing their homework! I am in a constant motion of correcting and praising behaviours to try teach children how to navigate being a person in the society they are raised in. Would I step in and tell off a child I was not looking after in public… it’s a tricky one. If the parents was not telling their child off then I would be very tempted to, just to give the child an experience to learn that other people will react to their actions even if their parents don’t. Does that make me a Karen... potentially, yes. But always remember that it actually does take a village, perhaps not to raise a child but definitely to teach one.

Thanks for reading! If you have any questions or topics you would like us to discuss in future blogs please do send an email to nannyemmyquestions@gmail.com